2019...

well that's it, another year passed, more lives lost and more lives gained

I'll tell you a secret, I cannot stand new years. I cannot see why if you wanted to change something about your life, why you wouldn't just do it instead of waiting for a new year. However, I was glad to say goodbye to 2019. It was a year where I think I actually cried every single day. Writing that now has made me really sad. For the first 9 months of the year I was trapped in an emotionally abusive toxic relationship and the last 3 months I have been trying to repair myself due to the consequences. Joyful, I know. But it will be okay. I keep repeating those words to myself. Honestly I feel like it can only go up from here. 

2020, I have decided is going to be a year where I completely focus on myself. Not in a selfish way of course , but in a loving way. I am at a time in my life where there is going to be a lot of changes, I know this year will bring changes to my family, to my friendships, I'll be leaving the school I have been at for 7 years in 5 months, I'll possibly be moving out of my house. Now, I have never been good with change. Frankly awful at it. Yet, I am so excited! For the first time in my life I am so ready for change.

I am excited to find out what is in store for me this next year, to find myself again. As so famously quoted "It's always darkest before the dawn." I know that I will never be able to actually leave the past behind me, it's going to be a scar on my heart forever. Yet, it has made me so much stronger! I can now achieve things and conquer things I would not have been able to do before. It has made me firmer and harsher but it has also made me more loving. 

I am a completely different person than I was this time last year. I now will always fight for justice, for me and everyone around me. I am more guarded. I seek to always do right, and eventually , one day soon I will be happy again.

So, to anyone who wants to leave the past year behind them, that's good, but remember the lesson. Remember what you have learnt. I would not take any of this hurt back and I do not want any of you to say you want to take it back either. Your heart is strong. Your mind is the strongest thing you have. You go out into that world and you be strong, you have courage. Be fierce and brave and do not let anyone take away anything from you.

2020, let's do this.

2018 NYE

2019 NYE

^like two different people^

all my love, Anna-Ruby x

p.s I just read over what I wrote and I am sorry it's so down and dwelling on problems. Yet I think it is important to speak out when you are struggling. I promise I'll be back to myself soon :) xoxo