I'm 19 a month today , on September 9th 2020
Many of you may have read my blog post entitled 'Hope' that I wrote in November 2019. If you haven't read that, it may give you a clearer insight into this post so I would suggest to go and read that. But I will copy and paste chunks of it into this post as well.
Just after my 18th birthday, it came to the knowledge that this guy, had never broken up with his girlfriend he was dating when we met. A whole year, Gone. So he was cheating, on both of us, badly. A year. Let that sink in. A year.
My sister is a social worker. Now here is the messy bit of the story I can't exactly share online, but after she had done some work into the situation, she told me I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past year.
Now at 18, you expect to be given alot of school work, to get excited about the fact you can vote and to also dread going out for the next day hangover. You do not expect to be told your so called boyfriend has had another girlfriend for the whole year he has been with you and has been emotionally abusive and manipulative toward you. Consequently, I fell into a dark place. Skipping meals hardly even eating, not sleeping, scared whenever anyone spoke to me, missing days and days of sixth form.
That's just a glimpse of the situation, it's messy and complicated and honestly all of what happened is now between me and my counsellor I have been seeing and I don't see myself ever telling anyone the whole story. I find it embarrassing. I find it, painful.
What was happening to me , was something called gaslighting. Definitions of gaslighting are as such "Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control, plants seeds of uncertainty in the victim. The self-doubt and constant skepticism slowly and meticulously cause the individual to question their reality."
I'm not going to talk anymore about it now actually, I want this to be a happy blog! :)
A celebration of how far I have come, a celebration of how much stronger I now am.
When I was thinking about what I'd like for my birthday, I couldn't think of anything. I already have so much and honestly everything I'd like is material and a month later something new would come out that I'd want anyway!
So instead, I have set up my justgiving page https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/anna-pease - you can click there to make a donation now if you'd like!
This can be as little or as much as you would like - I understand not everyone would get me a present anyway so leave the big bucks for my grandparents ;) hehe
I want this year to mean something rather than just hurt. I don't want to look back at my 18th year and think what a waste, ouch that was a lot of pain I felt every single day. I want to do something to help. to stand up and speak out!
Earlier I said I was embarrassed, I shouldn't be embarrassed! I didn't chose this!
I look back and think how much stronger I am now, and think it's just one broken heart closer to happily ever after (even though I've decided I'm not dating again now till I'm 30 as I'm genuinely scarred from boys for life ahaha)
My pain is not going to be wasted , it's going to be used to help those who really really need it.
Thank you all so much for your ongoing support.
Lets use our pain to flourish and grow.
All the love ever.
Anna Ruby xx
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