hope

i have actually written this blog before

well kind of.maybe. I wrote a blog in which i called "no words and no hope" yet I never published it. Mainly due to the fact that I wasn't ready to publish it; I'm extremely glad i didn't publish it.

It is inevitable that every single person who lives and breathes on this planet will experience heartache in their lifetime. It just so happens that these past 3 months, it has been my turn to experience that. Statistically , 61% of british people have had their heart broken due to a realtionship break up. People deal with the hurt and the pain day in and day out. But now is my chance to share my story.

disclaimer- I am not sharing the full detail of the story so there may be some things that might not quite add up. Furthemore, I am not writing this for any attention or sympathy whatsoever , mainly to help others.

I first fell in love at 17 years old. Never having been in love before, I'd had things and dates here and there but never had been properly in love, it was a new exciting chapter for me. I met this guy in May 2018, just in the middle of my GCSE exams. (All I am saying is that this guy was older than me) That summer, hands down the best summer of my life. I didn't tell anyone that i was speaking to this guy, due to the way I thought people would react. However we were in the "honeymoon phase" as it is so famously called. When I first met him, he had a girlfriend. Yet he told me he ended it with her as he wanted to be with me and that they just didn't suit together. So that September, just after I'd turned 17 I told my family and most of my friends and that was it. Happy days. Or so I thought.

This guy would come round my house once a week and we would call every single night on the phone. Our first proper argument came that October. He was out in London and when 10.30 came he stopped answering his phone. Up till 3 am that morning crying down the phone to my good friend Joel Davis , I finally fell asleep still not hearing from him. The morning came and there was no messages or anything. Called him about 4 times again, finally for him to pick up. Little did I know I would have a year of this to come.

Skipping to the end of my story now, just so we're all on the same page. Just after my 18th birthday, it came to the knowledge that this guy, had never broken up with his girlfriend he was dating when we met. A whole year, Gone. So he was cheating, on both of us, badly. A year. Let that sink in.  A year.

 Now here is the messy bit of the story I can't exactly share online, but after having many phone calls , meetings, talks with my family, it came to their realisation before mine that I had been trapped in a very abusive relationship

Now at 18, you expect  to be given a lot of school work, to get excited about the fact you can vote and to also dread going out for the next day hangover. You do not expect t to be told your so called boyfriend has had another girlfriend for the whole year he has been with you and has been emotionally abusive and manipulative toward you. Consequently, I fell into a dark place. Skipping meals hardly even eating, not sleeping, scared whenever anyone spoke to me, missing days and days of sixth form.

Reading the first blog I wrote about this, you can tell I was in a bad place. I wasn't myself at all.

I'm not even sure where to start. I'm sorry. I am so so sorry if anyone has every been through anything like this in their life. This is something you read about in psychology textbooks, something you read about online.

Never in a million years do you think it's going to happen to you. 

Okay here goes- the guy i have been seeing , for the past year and a half of my life, was lying. Worse than that cheating. Worse than that, he was emotionally abusive towards me.

Now in the time, I didn't see this, and still now I am struggling to make sense of it.

Someone who would call me every night, tell me they loved me and shower me with gifts, was just lying to me all along.

The main thing that was happening to me, was something called gaslighting. Definitions of gaslighting are as such "Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control, plants seeds of uncertainty in the victim. The self-doubt and constant skepticism slowly and meticulously cause the individual to question their reality."

"gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that is mainly manipulation and subtle ways of blaming."
"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief."

There are many signs of gaslighting, which now I look back at what I thought was a "normal" relationship argument turns out was this form of emotional abuse. I will list the signs of gaslighting below.

·        1. Blatant lying

·        First, people who gaslight tell obvious lies. You know that they are lying. The issue is how they are lying with such ease. The gaslighter is setting up an abusive pattern. You begin to question everything and become uncertain of the simplest matters. This self-doubt is exactly what the gaslighter wants.

·        2. Deny, Deny, Deny

·        Again, you know they said what they said. However, they completely deny ever saying it. The gaslighter may push the point and ask you to ‘prove it,’ knowing that you only have your memory of the conversation that they are denying happened. It starts to make you question your memory and your reality. You begin to wonder if the gaslighter is right, maybe they didn’t really ever say what you remember. Consequently, more and more often, you question your reality and accept theirs.

·        3. Using what you love against you

·        Additionally, people who gaslight use what is closest to you against you. If you love your job, they will find issues with it. If you have children, the gaslighter may force you to believe you should never have had them. This abusive manipulation tactic causes the victim to question the foundation of themselves as well as what they hold close.

·        4. The slow death of self

·        One of the terrifying parts of gaslighting is the methodical timeline that the abuser uses. The manipulation happens gradually and over time the victim morphs into someone entirely different. The most confident human being can become a shell of a person without being aware of it in the process. The victim’s individual reality diminishes and becomes that of the abuser.

·        5. Words vs. Actions

·        Notably, a person who gaslights talks and talks. However, their words mean nothing. Therefore, it is important to look at what they are doing. The issues lie in their abusive actions towards the victim.

·        6. Love and flattery

·        A common technique of a person who gaslights is to tear you down and then build you back up, only to tear you down again. However, the uneasiness comes from the love and flattery. Whether you realize it or not, you are becoming used to being torn down. However, the praise may lead you to think that the abuser isn’t all that bad.

·        7. Confusion

·        Without a doubt, people crave stability, and the gaslighter knows this. The constant confusion that the abuser has instilled leads the victim to become desperate for clarity. More often than not, the victim searches for this clarity in the abuser, thus continuing the cycle and increasing the power that the abuser has.

·        8. Projecting

·        If the gaslighter is a liar and a cheater, they are now accusing you of being a liar and a cheater. You constantly feel like you need to defend yourself for things you haven’t done.

·        9. “You’re crazy”

·        The gaslighter knows you are already questioning your sanity. The gaslighter also knows that you search for clarity in the person who is purposefully causing the confusion. Therefore, when they call you crazy, you believe it.

·        Furthermore, the gaslighter may also tell other people that you’re crazy. This way if you were ever to approach them for help with your abuser, they wouldn’t believe you. The gaslighter has given them a heads up that this would happen. You’re too “crazy” to be taken seriously.

·        10. Everyone else is a liar

·        The abuser may also tell you that everyone else is against you and that they are all liars. Again, believing that everyone else is lying to you forces your sense of reality to be further blurred. People who gaslight want their victims to turn to them for everything so that they can continue the abuse.

·        Ultimately, the quicker you can pick up on these gaslighting techniques, the better luck you will have to avoid a gaslighter’s abuse and maintain the distinct reality of your circumstances.

·        Gaslighting Abuse

·        Gaslighting is a form of mental and emotional abuse. It promotes anxiety, depression, and can trigger mental breakdowns.

·        Culturally, women are depicted as overly emotional, fragile things who cry at the drop of a hat. Furthermore, the label “crazy” is eagerly placed on any individual who expresses their feelings in a passionate way. You don’t like certain behaviors – you’re crazy. You have your own opinions – you’re crazy. As a result, crazy has become a term that others use to get off the hook for their own behavior.

·        However, gaslighting is not women being overly emotional or crazy. Gaslighting is psychological abuse and cannot be overlooked.

Signs you are a victim of gaslighting are

• no longer feeling like the person you used to be
• being more anxious and less confident than you used to be
• often wondering if you’re being too sensitive
• feeling like everything you do is wrong
• always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong
• apologizing often
• having a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is
• often questioning whether your response to your partner is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)
• making excuses for your partner’s behavior
• avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation about your partner
• feeling isolated from friends and family
• finding it increasingly hard to make decisions
• feeling hopeless and taking little or no pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

 I have used two articles here from two different websites as I am no expert and wish to get no definition wrong.

So thats it, that has been my life for the past year. I'm angry! I am angry at myself for not speaking out earlier, This is why it was important for me to write this blog.

This has well and truly taught me that horrible stuff like this can happen to ANYONE literally anyone. Also, you know what? 

this happens too often

Too many people are being two timed right now. Too many people are being abused. Too many people are afraid to speak out.

I feel like this has happened to me so I can help. I want to help. I want to end this. One day, this will end.

Going back again to my previous blog I wrote this

Like I said, I really wasn't sure about writing this blog as I didn't want it to come across in the wrong way or hurt anyone.

I have been very badly damaged. My trust honestly is lost for all human beings and I think that any relationship in the future is going to be extremely hard for me. However I could be wrong.

I am 18 years old. My life is ahead of me. DO NOT LET ONE PERSON STOP YOU FROM LIVING YOUR LIFE

It will take time; I probably won't be myself for a while. But that is okay.

Please, if you have been through something so horrific , give yourself time. Don't listen to people who say just get on and move on. Allow space. Allow healing. Allow Processing.

Now I feel like I should end this on a positive note or a strong note. Sorry. I am going to end on an apology.

People keep telling me not to apologise. But I must.

I am sorry to everyone that I let such a monster into my life. I am sorry you ever had to meet him. I am sorry that he has changed me. I am sorry I didn't notice anything sooner and speak out for help. I am sorry I let it get this bad. I'm sorry he cheated on me all along and probably never loved me. I'm sorry that he's ruined family events. I'm sorry I ever liked him.

I feel like it is all my fault. I am sorry.

Take these things, remember them. I was too trusting and if i am going to be honest- we need to actually not be too trusting. Please, do not ever get yourself into this situation. Please, know your worth.

There is no hope there. Thats not the Anna Ruby I know and I'm sure its not the Anna Ruby most of you know. I still feel all those things. My trust is still lost. I am still damaged. I still do feel sorry. Yet, I have hope you know. I want to lead a life full of love and laughter. he cannot take that away from me.

Through this situation, I have found great friends. You know who you are. My family have been absolutely amazing. Thank you.

I have discovered now my purpose and my reason for living.

So , if you or anyone you know is going through this. Please, stop it. This can happen to anyone of any age or gender. Lets all look out for eachother. Lets  build eachother up.

This is to him- Dear ***** Know that I am strong. Know that I am not broken because of you. Know that you have actually made me a stronger better person. Thank you for helping me mature. Thank you for helping me grow. One day we will meet again and I hope that it is in heaven. I am unbreakable , you know that. I hope you get the help you need. I hope you to will one day find peace and contentment. With all my love, Anna Ruby Pease.